What To Do When She Bails on You
Are you dating someone who backs out of social engagements at the last minute? Your mom is coming over, and suddenly your live-in girlfriend needs to run to town for something, anything.
You made dinner reservations, and at the last minute, your girl says she’s not hungry or she’d rather eat at home.
Your friend’s having a party, the girl you’re dating agreed to go a week ago, but now that the day has arrived, she’s flaking. She tells you to just “go without her.” Again.
You need to buy new gutters for the house, and your wife agreed to go with you, but right before it’s time to leave she says she’s not going because, “What’s the point? I won’t be any help.”
Why is this HAPPENING?
That’s something you need to figure out by talking and listening. Don’t make guesses.
“Well, she’s shy, and that’s why she doesn’t want to meet my friends.”
“Well, she hates my family.”
“Well, she doesn’t want to help out with the house.”
A lot of guys seem to think they know everything. I’ve had an ex tell me “It’s so obvious why you back out!” But it was so not obvious. He had it all wrong every time, but he thought my excuses were bull and that he knew the “real reasons.”
Admittedly, sometimes my excuses were bull, but he was way off with what he thought the real reasons were.
Example: A girl might flake on a date because she has a yeast infection, but instead of saying that, she’ll say she’s sick because who wants to admit to a yeast infection? Or an ingrown, infected pubic hair? Or something else unsavory? She’s saving you the sordid details. In that scenario, it’s either back out with an excuse like “I’m sick” or go on the date, but then come up with a reason not to have sex at the end of it.
“I’m on my period.”
“But you were on your period last week… and the week before that … and -”
Or she could tell you the truth. Do you want to hear about her infected, ingrown pubic hair? Can you listen to those details without cringing or embarrassing her? If you can, good for you, but most girls are going to be too embarrassed to admit something like that even if she can trust you to not make fun of her or make her feel gross.
I once backed out on multiple dinner dates because I was trying to lose weight, and the guy I was seeing only liked the most unhealthy of restaurants. I wanted to eat at home where I could keep track of my calories, but when I told him this it became a source of tension between us. He didn’t believe in dieting and would constantly put down my dieting efforts, all while binge eating chips and beer in front of me. It got to the point where I made up reasons not to go out to eat with him just so I could avoid the arguments and lectures about my diet.
She Might be Making Excuses BUT …
So it’s possible your girl is BSing you about the reasons she doesn’t want to go out. You might recognize it’s BS, but I guarantee you’re not recognizing the real reason behind the BS. If you want to get to the bottom of it, talk to her, don’t argue with her. Approach the conversation with concern and care.
“It seems to me you’re always bolting when my mom comes over.”
“No, it’s just coincidence. I happen to be busy.”
“Okay, but the coincidences are happening a lot, and I’m beginning to think you don’t like my mom.”
“No, your mom is great. I love your mom. She’s so, so great.”
“Then why don’t you ever talk to her?”
“Well … I’m worried she doesn’t like me. I’ve read that if your family doesn’t like the person you’re dating, the relationship has a much higher likelihood of falling apart, and I want our relationship to last. So I’m nervous around your mother.”
“Nervous? What can I do to help? Would it help if I kept the conversation going when she was here? If I promise never to leave you alone in the room with her?”
See that’s concern. That’s conversation. That’s listening. That’s compromise. You’ll get a much better response, an honest response, if you come from a place of love, but then when you get that honest response, don’t lecture her. Don’t argue with her. Don’t make her feel bad because all that’s doing is ensuring she won’t give you an honest response in the future.
Sometimes it’s not that a girl is hiding deeper reasons and emotions. Sometimes she’s flaking because she’s tired of being bossed around. I’ve been in relationships where the guy made all the plans. “We’re going here now. We’re doing this Tuesday. My friends are coming over in an hour.”
When I made plans, I’d always leave him an out. “My sister’s birthday is next weekend. You can come or not, it’s up to you.” But he would never offer me the same out. If I didn’t want to do something that he wanted to do, it became an argument. He accused me of always backing out, of never wanting to do anything, but it wasn’t that so much as me just being plain defiant. No one wants to be told what to do every day. Couple plans need to be made together, and if you’re going to make plans on your own, offer her an out. (And don’t get mad when she takes it. She’s got shit to do too.)
Of course, not all girls are flaking because of defiance, and not all girls are making up excuses. A lot of us are very blunt.
“Why am I going with you to the hardware store? I can’t help you there.” That’s a good question, and that’s when you need to be honest which brings us to:
How to stop her from flaking
Why do you want her to go to the hardware store? I mean, what’s the real reason?
Usually, the real reason is something very romantic, but something guys have trouble admitting which is stupid because if you’d just tell us the real reasons, we wouldn’t be backing out.
We like to know these reasons. They make us feel good. They make us feel wanted and needed. I guarantee you, over half the time your girl is bailing on you because you’re not giving her a good enough reason not to. If you tell her: “I just like spending time with you.” Boom. She’s there.
Other excellent reasons that guys are afraid to say out loud:
“I don’t want to go to the party without you because things just aren’t as fun when you’re not around.”
“I value your opinion on things. When I’m trying to make a tough decision about what to buy, you help bring things to my attention that I wouldn’t have otherwise considered.”
“You’re my other half. I don’t like to be without you.”
Or even: “I like to show you off.”
These are all flattering reasons. These are all reasons that make us feel valued, but, instead of explaining to me why it’s important to him that I go, it’s been my experience that when I flake on something, the guy gets mad. “You always back out.” “You’re always bolting!” “You never want to do anything anymore.” (The words “always” and “never” are bad words to accuse people of being in general, and should be avoided in all arguments. That’s on page one of the couple’s handbook.)
He’s mad and accuses me of things. Then I’m mad and tell him he’s wrong. Then we’re both mad, and the relationship starts to crumble.
Just tell her why you want her there. Be honest. In most cases, the real reason will melt her heart and only strengthen your relationship.
If she’s still not budging, and you suspect her excuses are cloaking deeper feelings, encourage her to tell you the real reason why she doesn’t want to be there. Let her be honest without making her feel bad. Hear her out, try to understand, and then compromise.