Why She Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
Want to know why your girlfriend is never in the mood? I’ll get straight to the point with this one:
But there are two types of foreplay.
There’s the foreplay you’re familiar with, and if you’re not familiar with it, then that’s something for a future post.
Then there’s a bigger, more general, type of foreplay which most guys don’t consider.
To put it bluntly, if she hasn’t wanted to have sex with you for weeks – Something. Is. WRONG. Most likely that something is psychological. Foreplay is psychological. Sex is largely psychological. See the connection?
How have you been treating her lately in your day-to-day life? Are you showing her the respect she deserves? Are you supporting her in the things she’s trying? If your girlfriend is never in the mood, it’s likely you’ve let her down in some other way, unrelated to sex, and her lowered sex drive is a symptom of this. It’s not the main problem; it’s a symptom. You may think the lack of sex is the biggest problem, but to her, there’s something deeper, something more psychological, that’s bothering her and turning her off.
I’ll give you a personal example from several years back of a psychological roadblock I had that snowballed one night.
I was in a relationship, and I was experiencing what I affectionately call Leak Week. (It’s my cute name for my menstruation.) For me, that means my love box is off limits. (Although it doesn’t have to be for all women… but for me, personally, it is.) My boyfriend was out, and I had decided – made a conscious, pre-game decision here – that I would give him a killer blowjob when he got home. I had a blowjob sex game planned out and everything. I was ready.
He returned home, plopped down on the couch, and switched on the TV. I started flirting by dropping hints about the night’s coming performance. Basically, I was doing the first type of foreplay.
Then something silly came on the news, and I made an offhand comment about it, a really innocent offhand joke that should have flown by unnoticed. I’d forgotten it was one of my boyfriend’s hot topics, one of his “buttons” I’ll say, a sore spot for him. I had accidentally pushed a button I didn’t want to push. He began ranting about something entirely different than what I said, and from what the news segment itself was about, until he was actually YELLING at me. I immediately screamed back, “Stop yelling at me!” But he continued his rant until he was spent.
Guess who was no longer in the mood to give a blowjob? This girl.
Not only was I NOT horny, but I was fuming. His yelling brought up other negative past memories, like that night he made a crude joke at my expense in front of his friends. At the time, I tried to laugh it off. I tried to let it go, but now it was at the front and center of my mind. Emotions have a way of doing that. When you’re in a happy mood, you remember good times. When you’re in a bad mood, you remember the bad.
I thought: He yells at me. He makes mean jokes about me. He doesn’t respect me! Why am I even with him? Wait, wasn’t I about to give him a blowjob five minutes ago?
So then I thought: How do I get things back to good? How do I get myself back to that point where I’m happy and I want to blow him?
Because who likes to be mad?
From my experience, most guys are going to want sex whether they’re angry or not. I didn’t know if he was still mad about my innocent comment, but I knew it wouldn’t make any difference an hour later when we were both in the bedroom. He’d be horny either way, mad or not. I would not be. I was the farthest thing from horny.
An apology. Yeah, there we go. If he apologizes, I’ll be able to quickly forgive him and this will all go away.
So, being the blunt person I am, I let him know I was upset about his yelling, and I encouraged him to apologize. I pretty much flat out told him, “Just apologize.”
Dun, dun, Dunnnnnn.
Things were worse than ever for my sex drive at that point. At that point, I was thinking I deserve an apology. Again this brought up past memories of all the times he hadn’t apologized and I had.
Give me some credit. I attempted to see things from his perspective, but, ultimately, all I could see was that he was allowed to give his opinion on things in the news and I never yelled at him. Why couldn’t I give my opinion? (Also, I can’t stress enough how innocent the comment was that started all this. It was nothing controversial whatsoever. My boyfriend at the time was something of a hot head.)
I thought: Nope, I’m not going to put this on myself. Not this time. I did nothing wrong here. He’s the one that yelled at me. He’s the one in the wrong.
Long story short: I went to bed mad. (A no-no.)
No sex. No touching even. It was a two-bodies-rolled-at-opposite-ends-of-the-bed kind of night. We were like a bedroom scroll. All the good stuff’s written in the sheets, and there’s potentially even greater stuff rolled up on the ends of the scroll, but you can’t read any of that because it’s all tightly rolled and hidden, never to be read. Yup, we were an angry, bed scroll.
Clearly, I had relationship problems, but do you see how relationship problems that have nothing to do with sex can have a huge effect on sex drive? She may very well want to have sex with you, but there’s some bigger problem, some psychological roadblock, that is stopping her.
If you want her sex drive to increase, figure out what that roadblock is and take it away. In my case above, a simple apology that night would have helped, but in a lot of cases, it might be more complex than that.
I can usually tell when a relationship I’m in is headed downhill because one of the biggest signs is when my sex drive wanes. I always stop and check myself, asking myself questions like:
Am I no longer attracted to him? What’s happening? I was all over him at the beginning of the relationship … Oh, wait, he was a lot sweeter to me at the beginning of our relationship. He said nice things to me. He supported me. He gave me attention. Things have changed. 🙁 It’s no wonder I’m less attracted.
Think back to when your lady was all over you. Were you treating her differently back then? Better? Perhaps her sex drive didn’t change. You did.
Now go back to what you were doing before. Were you texting her, telling her how beautiful she was every day? Your texting fingers still work, right? Were you holding her hand when the two of you were out in public? Why did you ever stop that?
MAKE HER FEEL LOVED AGAIN.
Make her feel special. Make her feel like she has your respect and your support, and for goodness cakes, don’t yell at her.
If you can right her bigger psychological roadblock, which likely has something to do with your relationship, then boom, you’ll be back in business, and you can go back to concentrating on the smaller foreplay games, the tickles and spanks, as I like to call them, but you have to bulldoze down that roadblock first.
Make her feel loved and supported and happy in your relationship, and sex will be a natural by-product of that happiness.