I saw a freaking awesome Youtube video about how to be so at peace with yourself that people can’t bother you. You can’t be fucked with.
It’s called Three Ways to be Unfuckwithable, and it’s a presentation by Vishen Lakhiani. I’ll embed it below.
So what does all this have to do with relationships, Jovie?
I’m glad you asked. All three of these elements effect relationships. If you implement everything mentioned in the above video, I guarantee you will have more success in dating and all areas of your life.
Let’s start with:
A lot of people, especially men, hold onto anger from past relationships. This not only effects them negatively, but it effects their new relationships negatively. You have to forgive your ex-wife. You have to forgive your ex-girlfriend. You have to forgive everyone, actually, in order to have brainwaves like monks who have been practicing meditation for twenty years. And you have to forgive yourself. Are you blaming yourself for things that went wrong in a past relationship? Forgive yourself.
Do exactly what he says in the video.
“Forgiveness into love.”
This can be especially hard with bitter breakups. Maybe your ex-wife not only left you, but she took custody of the children and half your money and your house. Yikes. That’s hard to forgive, but by not forgiving her you’re only hurting yourself. You’re not hurting her, and you need to be able to forgive to the point where you don’t want to hurt her. “Forgive into love.”
First you spend a minute or two feeling the anger. Then you visualize the person in front of you, and try to put yourself in her shoes. As he said in the video, at the end of your forgiveness session, you have to be able to imagine yourself hugging the person and “feel empathy and understanding for what they went through.” What was your ex-wife feeling? Why do you think she did what she did?
It will be difficult to force your mind down these routes when you’re holding onto so much of your own pain, but it’s only going to benefit you. Also, it will benefit the people close to you. Not just your brainwaves – but your health, your happiness, your success – everything will improve when you forgive.
Honestly, I tried this myself while I was watching this video the second time through. I have this problem where men will show me lots of love and affection at the beginning of the relationship, which makes me feel amazing, but over time I perceive their love for me to be dwindling, and it’s very painful. (Obviously, I’m not quite to the point where I’m unfuckwithable.) My reaction is often to pull back my own love.
So I was thinking about this and how it’s their lack of love that makes me angry, that causes me pain, and how I need to forgive them, but then I started thinking about my reaction. Why do I always pull back my own love when this happens? Do I think I’m going to punish them back into loving me? Frighten them? Is my subconscious saying something like, “If you don’t start showing me how much you love me, I won’t love you back.” Or is it just to protect myself? Why do I react like this?
Then I remembered a time in grade school when my best friends started giving me the silent treatment, out of the blue. This went on for days, and my response, my healthy response, was to call them all individually on the phone that evening and talk to them. I wanted to know why they were treating me this way. I didn’t get a clear answer.
They were punishing me for something, but I couldn’t figure out what. So since talking didn’t work, out of self-defense, I gave them the silent treatment back. The result was I lost my friends. The result was deeper than that, though. I now realize I’ve been putting up walls ever since. I have been carrying this fear with me ever since, a fear that the people I love will turn on me for seemingly no reason. Worse, I learned that people punish you by pulling away their love, and I learned to do the same.
I went a few years without any friends at all. To say it was traumatizing is an understatement.
You’d think that would teach me that pulling away is bad. You’d think that would teach me not to do that again, but that became my normal defense system. Maybe it was fight or flight – to flee, to hide behind a wall, to ignore those that are ignoring you. Or maybe it was a new learned way to use love as a weapon. “Hurt people, hurt people.” I learned I could punish people by pulling away from them whenever I wasn’t getting what I wanted from them, namely love and I always kind of thought, “If they love me, they’ll chase after me and seek my forgiveness. If not, they don’t love me.”
When in reality, I should have been more open to talking out problems. I should not expect anyone to chase me. I should not use my love as a weapon. Due to that deeply traumatic experience, I’ve been quick to remove my love ever since. Quick to put up walls, quick to defend myself from emotional pain.
So I thought about this and thought and thought, and I forgave my grade school friends for ignoring me. I forgave myself for developing this unhealthy self-defense mechanism of running away instead of talking things out and for letting that mechanism follow me throughout my adult relationships.
I forgave the men who had pulled back their love. I forgave them by feeling full on empathy for them because maybe it wasn’t me who was reacting to their lack of love. Maybe it was them reacting to mine. Maybe they knew my walls were there, that my love was conditional, that I’d be quick to pull it away if they didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved.
So I sat and, yes, I did cry, but I visualized myself forgiving these men, empathizing with them, even asking them for forgiveness in my mind, and hugging them, and then I also forgave myself for letting such a horrible self-defense mechanism effect my relationships for so long.
I plan to do this forgiveness ritual a few more times, and I will drop this bad coping mechanism, a coping mechanism I didn’t even realize I had until I started thinking about forgiveness. That’s how powerful doing something like this is. It’s like Dave Aspry in the video said, as soon as he realized that in first grade he was blamed for something he didn’t do, he was able to forgive that moment from so long ago. Once he let that go, the bad energy from that could no longer affect him in his similar present situation.
Now that I realize that I’ve been hanging onto this past trauma, a trauma from sixth freaking grade, the trauma of not being loved by those I loved, now that I can forgive that, I can let it go, and I can love more fully. I can move forward and stop running away. I can talk out problems with loved ones instead of pulling away and reacting with fear. That’s powerful. That’s life changing. It’s an exercise worth trying even if you don’t have a machine proving you succeeded.
I am enough.
People who don’t think they’re enough, don’t think anyone or anything else around them is enough either. Your house isn’t enough. Your car isn’t enough. Your girlfriend isn’t enough. Nothing’s enough.
It’s interesting that not thinking we’re enough could be the source of so many of our emotional problems. Even the above example I gave of always running away, while it can be contributed to the trauma of my childhood, it can also be contributed to an underlying feeling that I’m not enough, a fear that people will not love me because I am not enough.
As soon as you start thinking you’re enough, things do look brighter. I actually did the exercise. I ruined a lipstick writing on my bathroom mirror “I am enough.” I felt kind of silly at first, but it quickly became meaningful. Writing it on the mirror has more power than just saying it in your head. I think it’s writing the words in bright red, and then standing back and seeing them there reflected on the glass. It’s uplifting. It’s powerful. It’s simple, but powerful. I’ve since washed it off the mirror, but I try to say it, out loud, at least once a day, usually when I’m looking at my reflection, but sometimes when I’m just lying in bed.
Mindfulness – Being Present
This is actually not a new concept at all to me, so I wasn’t all that enamored with this section. I’ve read entire books on the subject already. Living in the present is very important. It’s all we have, the present moment. It’s good to let go of all that negative energy in the forgiveness section – get it out of you, but then you need to come back to the present and live here, in the now.
It will help your relationships. Do you stare at your phone when you’re at the dinner table? Stop that. Be present. Pay attention to your wife and kids. Really look at them. Put your rambling thoughts aside and pay attention to what they’re saying. Being present can only help your relationships.
I hope you found this video as helpful as I did.
Remember, you are enough.